I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize