I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
