If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
