is your mom at the bar?
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
