The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
NoShamevember. You game?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
