my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
