You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
