Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Enjoy the penises
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
