you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
