for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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