Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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