i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
only if we run a train.
done.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
