I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
