I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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