I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
