I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
