Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
