Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
