Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
