I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
