After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
