There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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