i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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