First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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