Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
