my phone needs a breathalizer
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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