I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
