He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
