Who wears a wallet chain?!
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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