Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
