I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Randomize
