Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
