She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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