Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
