i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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