Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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