Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
