so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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