Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You smell like a Billy Joel song
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
