There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
