I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Oh god it's open bar.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Your penis caused this!
Randomize