I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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