Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
