I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
