i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
