Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
