he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
