He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
