My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
