I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
