When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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