sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
