i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
