i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
