i was born a porn star she said
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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