I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
