I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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