Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
