On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
