Who wears a wallet chain?!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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