i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
