so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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