i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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